Being a kid

i find it amusing, thinking about all the stuff i used to say
and the stuff i used to do when i was little
i remember so many things i asked, and said, and did.. that now, seem soo silly.

i remember doing stupid things, like standing outside with my brothers and picking those little mandarin things off the next door neighbours tree and throwing them at cars. it was all fun and games until one car stopped, and a scary man got out of the car to yell at us.
lucky for me, my bedroom was right next to the front door.. i made an easy escape.. my brothers felt the wrath from that old man.. and then from my mother

the innocent questions..
"dad how do you just KNOW the way to grandmas house, dont you forget?"

the stuff you thought was sooo relevant to the world and everyone had to know but really it wasnt that important
"mum, today mrs. oldfield admitted she had a sense of humour."
(like anyone cares rebecca)

and the silly things you said, that came out totally wrong but you just couldnt fix it..
"i eat the jam off the pudding first and leave the best for last, because the jam part is gross"
(i know that doesnt seem like a big deal but to me, after i said it to my brothers and heard my mum in the next room say OH.. REBECCA, THATS NOT VERY NICE... i felt horrible and guilty)

and then, the stuff... you wish, just WISH you didnt say, and even though you were only in grade four when you said it, you still wish all the time you could rewind time and not say anything at all.
like when my parents told us they were splitting up.
i remember every single moment. my brothers and i had stuck pillows up our pyjamas and were pretending to be the tellytubbies. then my parents said they had to talk to us, and we all sat on their bed in their bedroom..

i remember after they told me, i said the fucking dumbest things. i hate myself even tho i was only a kid.. i didnt cry at all, but brendan did because he wanted dad to come with us. i remember saying "maybe brendan could stay here with dad, because he wants to stay with him"
i dont think, at the time i really understood what was going on.
i just got excited, like a fucking stupid kid, and begged my mum to go show us the 'new house'.
for some stupid reason, i can still see my dads face... he looked completely crushed and he just looked down at the ground, as i sat there, excited, asking my mum when we were going to move house, and asking if we could go see it right that second.
it was even worse, when i got back, and asked my dad, if he had any boxes so i could start packing my books from my desk..

i was only in grade 4 and i didnt know any better, but the fact that i can remember every detail of that night makes me cringe. i feel horrible and i regret it.. i just wish i hadnt acted.. like.. such a child..

ahh life is funny that way.

xxxx

we've talked about life,
we've talked about love,
it gets to the point,
where the words ain't enough,
there isn't a reason why
this should be wrong,
open your heart and i'll play you a song.

Loss

its kind of funny
how after such a long time
the smallest thing, can still eat away at you.
the smallest thing. is it jealousy?
shouldnt you be over it by now?

what exactly, is, the right amount of time to actually 'get over it'. ?
there arent any rules, or regulations as to how people react
how people love
and how people grieve

you can lose people, in so many different ways
through death, the loss of friendship, and those who just drift apart..the saddest part is, who is to say, that even if those who died were still alive, that you would still be friends with them? would they have just been lost by going through the motions of life, different paths, different friends, different interests?

would sheree amanda gatt still be my best friend? is it disrespectful to even think about that?the truth is, i have no idea.
i spent countless hours at that girls house. we talked on the phone, we have so many shared experiences. the first time i drank alcohol, we drank it at her house. it wasnt pretty, and i didnt drink for over a year afterwards. but its a memory i keep. because we were young, and we were stupid. but we had fun. isnt that what its all about? growing up? you cant deny your past. embrace it, as it has made you who you have become today.

its only until one of these, decisions you make in your youth, turns into tragedy, that it really hits you.
if the accident had not happened that night, would sheree be sitting here today thinking "i cant believe i got in that car"... like i am here thinking "i cant believe we drank that much" ?
as serious as getting in that car may be, if it had not turned to tragedy, would it have just become a life lesson she learnt, and something she could have looked back on and thought, i was so young and so stupid, like we do today?

its these kind of thoughts that haunt me, because as much as i miss her, you cant help but think how life has changed. in my mind, she is still my 15 year old best friend. it makes me sick right now, to think that we have all turned 18, and she has not.
the friendship between the group of girls sheree and i spent my weekends with, has deteriorated. I hardly speak to most of them, others, not at all. which path in life would she have chosen? the one i lead.. or the path that the others have?

and getting back to what i was saying first.how can someone so special to you, someone you love so, so much, ignore you as if you were nothing?
in theory, it is, that you are still best friends.

but when it comes to acting on this friendship, what can you do, when everything you have to offer as a good person and friend is ignored?
if a person reaches out, by sending a message, or even writing a letter, or making a call.
and it is full of love, appreciation and complete honesty,
would it hurt to acknowledge them?
or to acknowledge the fact they made an effort?
am i being taken for granted, or am i just not worth it?
maybe i am just over-reacting.
maybe it wasnt worth the fuss of a reply.

i could accept the fact, that there was no appreciation of the message, or returned gratitude for friendship. with this person, i would hardly expect it.
the hardest part, is knowing someone so well. knowing that this person, would in fact have made a big deal out of the message, written back and pronounced their love and friendship for the person to everyone, if, it was someone else.
another person, a random girl, they may have met on the internet, or at a concert, or through friends.
the ones that arent worth anything. who say they will be there, but really. they wont. the ones who pretend they "understand you" and who make all these false claims about the future. who talk a lot. but have never actually been there.

but whatever. funny thing is, they like to believe it. im not sure if its because they are all genuinely ignorant as to how friendship works and dont understand the problem here, or if they are just inconsiderate of their true friends feelings.

this makes sense in my head, but probably doesnt to others.
ill let you all go now.
goodnight
xxx

If you could read my mind
You might see more of me than meets the eye
And you've been all wrong
Not who you think I am
You've never given me a chance